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The rambling of an addict
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Senzebu's LiveJournal:

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Friday, March 22nd, 2013
4:22 pm
A thought on this day of remembering the past.
I miss you dad, I don't know what my life would have been like if you were around, but I think my mom did a pretty awesome job and I think its trivial to think about anyways. I just want to say that I love you, and I hope that you really have found your peace, and can go to wherever it is that the mind goes just before it dies. Or maybe, you found your peace 16 years ago, either way, I sincerely hope you have. Om shanti shanti shanti Om.

Since the Universe is expanding, the distance between objects is increasing. Eventually there are giant areas of space in which nothing exists. Scientists have published that "nothing" is a really unstable state (recreated in a vacuum), and inevitably something will begin to gain mass (i.e. Higgs Boson).

Maybe in those spaces of nothing a massive release of energy implodes or explodes and big bangs it up, starting a new expanding universe in these now universe sized spaces of nothing. Then this universe would be expanding in another universe that has been expanding for who knows how long, and possibly even started in the nothing spaces of another expanding universe.

Anyways, it's good to remember the past, but a terrible place to live.
Sunday, October 16th, 2011
11:24 am
How am i not over this?
It has been three long years.
Saturday, May 14th, 2011
5:51 pm
landslides sometimes occur due to the acceleration of gravity loosening the soil. Isn't that physical evidence supporting gravity? I mean, if you can prove integrals with lard....
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011
12:28 am
twentynine palms
this is what i think:

the people in the white truck consist of people from the town. they saw the guy being disrespectful to the town, fighting with his girlfriend, scaring her, then beating her in the street. Thats why they do what they do at the end of the movie (i dont want to ruin it for you, by the off chance you may watch it.) The bald guy with the white shirt at the end, i dont think he was with the guys in the white truck. he seemed afraid. at least i thought. or maybe it was all just totally random occurences.
Saturday, March 26th, 2011
10:38 pm
missed your chance
so accept it and move on.
away from this same spot.
Monday, March 7th, 2011
1:09 am
This is the message i want to send.
Subject: you should probably show ****


Seriously, i guess i would want him to know that i sent you a message like this. Maybe it would it ensure that you would read it? who knows.

I am sorry. I am sorry for being a hypocritical, lying, cheating, sex-addicted asshole that i was. No one but myself understand what i lost. Thank you for that love. I have never experienced anything like it. It was one of a kind, and my inflated ego and the feeling of being a superhuman blinded me. I was like a kid. a kid who always needed his way. And to put that on you? I am not saying you are perfect in the least. It was unfair the way i treated you. I realize so often what i lost as i talk to these people of no substance. I could not spend a DAY with any one. but you, man. Im probably just going to miss you forever.I dont even recognize the person who dated you. And the girl i see today only holds fragments. As if it never happened. And the worst thing is, maybe it didnt.

Light the crystal and it reflects beauty unlike anything i can imagine.

I know it's too late,
but I love you.

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011
8:57 pm
Brolly the second coming
"Oh i wish dad were here (echo) i wish dad were here, i wish dad were here"

Goku appears from the clouds as a God.
"My sons you have done well, but this is not your fight"
Energy flares,Like Krishna, like a god.

Stepping between the world and destruction,
sacrificing the body for the greater good.
Going beyond pain and weakness
truly becoming the philosophy of what is Right and Just.

"Are you going to let him destroy the Earth?"

The earth will allow us to channel its energy to protect it.
They do it in the name of love. i wonder if we will do it in the name of money (makes me fucking sick)

I have been thinking alot about religion and my place in the universe etc etc. I know that i am just an animal born on this planet, and there are many of us. Or maybe there is some other shit going on. Shit that would explain why it is i cant grasp what it is to be human. That this thought of separation takes over my mind. This reality seems way too funny to be real. can we fly? can we walk through walls? is this a dream? i will do my best no matter what, because i have to live this life. And for now i wont give up on ___________.
Sunday, February 27th, 2011
9:38 pm
Lake Vostok
So drilling of lake vostok stopped on feb 5th 2011 and will resume in december of 2011 because of some austral summer thing?

i was just thinking, it would be crazy if we drill into that lake and find remains of human and or life that we see on the planet right now. Lake vostok provides a record of 15 million - 25 million years ago when antarctica was covered in a forest and had marsupials. Maybe something evolved to a higher intelligence and then was wiped out by ice? it would be crazy. Dec 2011 and knowing that information as we journey into a "prophecy" known as 2012.
Friday, February 25th, 2011
10:45 am
when i was a kid
i distinctly remember having the thought numerous times:

"someone has to lose no matter what, and i really don't mind if its me."

Friday, February 18th, 2011
11:51 am
I am really starting to believe
That quitting smoking is only hard because everyone tells you it is. Seriously.
its weird. this is the 5th or 6th day i have not bought a pack and i dont even care. the weird thing is i dont have urges. (i was a pack a day smoker for 12 years, 2 of those years while in india i smoked around a pack and a half and a pack of beedies every day.). Yea thats right, no urges. BUT i have been thinking about really strange things. Like opening packs of cigs. Not smoking them, but opening the pack. I do have an urge to open a pack.But smoking? not so much.

Maybe this whole movement of being hard to quit is paid for by the tobacco industry itself. If enough people throughout the day tell you your sick with conviction, by the end of the day you will be sick.
Friday, November 12th, 2010
2:53 am
After 10 months
i meet this girl.
tears come to my eyes when i think about her.
she is a beautiful being,
and i am sure she feels nothing for me.
and that is fine,
that is fine.
Sunday, October 10th, 2010
1:36 pm
Mark's Backyard Tent
Location: Mark's backyard, in the white canopy looking tent on adjustable metal poles.

Summary: Competing spiders fight for territory and yet live in some kind of harmony.

There are 3 spiders and 5 webs, which could mean a number of things. One observation about one of the empty webs: it is old. It can be seen in the structure of the web, the materials caught in it, and the general composure of the web. The color can also be used as an indicator, along with the appearance of strength (wind etc.). The center web on the other hand has no permanent resident, but seems to be well maintained.

The three spiders live in separate parts. One at the top peak, one at the peak closest to the gate, and one at the peak closest to the door. It can be noted that the spider near the gate appears to be the strongest (best web structure, healthiest looking, other spider carcases left as "trophies", other spiders eaten etc.). The weakest seems to be the top peak, who hides with a small web.

Further investigations to come?
Wednesday, June 16th, 2010
10:47 pm
Friday, June 4th, 2010
5:38 pm
i think what i need
is something to do,

probably with people.
Monday, May 24th, 2010
12:57 am
You know what i heard? this whole area used to be a sacred place.
everyday that i say nothing
is another day that i lose with you
my morals, i dont even know why i follow them
i can barely control myself.

many many people feared what is being called Hate right now.
many things. Silent, terrified.
and yet, with one hand
she brings down the might that is my demons.

i loved the first for who she was
i loved the second for who she could be
i love this girl for who she is.

i would give her anything. at any point in time.
but i will not let this fall to some bodily urge.
and i will not pressure her.
i will wait.
i will wait forever in this bar until you are ready.
Wednesday, April 14th, 2010
9:04 pm
if i dont do something soon
im going to fall in love with this girl forever.
Sunday, March 28th, 2010
6:25 pm
we are not bad people
we are not bad people
we are misunderstood
we are hurt
we are broken
this is not anger
this is pain
this is sadness
this is love
we are lost
we are alone
we are not separate
we are the same

nobody can save us
we must save ourselves
there is help
there are others
they will help us
we have to let them help us

you dont understand
my head is tainted
my mind is muddled
my life is shattered
my hands are tough

only one thing will happen
only one inevitable truth
only one to save us
only one.

Monday, January 18th, 2010
9:32 pm
Humanity's a failed experiment, walking the path to extinction
im fucking up.
i dont feel good.
im not studying.
im wasting time.
i hate my classes.
i hate my school.
im still not over her.
sometimes i think i am, but then i know, i have not even tried to move on.
i drink too much.
im so angry.
so fuckin angry.
i feel like people are a million miles away.
i dont feel close anymore.
i spend too much money.
the future is less and less important to me.
im not working out.
i fall for the wrong people.
possesive is a part of my name.
obsessive is my nature.
compulsion drives me.
depression controls me.

im done yelling at god.
im done fighting.
im over trying to be the best.
i quit.
Monday, November 30th, 2009
9:55 pm
"Should be a good night in here, i just feel a bit pissed brav"
i hate going back to sunnyvale. mostly because there i am surrounded by people that actually WANT to hang out with me. i dont gotta do all this hittin up everyone shit there. and i always have such a good time.

and then i have to come back to this. where my house feels uncomfortable. where i have to listen to that dumb bitch make weird noises during her various sex episodes. where i have to hear her fuckin dog bark at everyone. where i sit alone at a coffee shop. where it seems like people hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. where i am a "liability". where i cant even speak to a girl who is obviously going out of her way to talk to me, and instead i brood over her and think about her for the next week, only to realize that i will probably never see her again. Where i am so lonely, and hateful, and angry to be alive.

i should have left this state when i had the chance. and i should have never, ever, made a decision based on a girl. i guess i learn something knew everday.
Thursday, November 12th, 2009
1:10 am
i hate where i am right now
not trying in school
not doing that well in school
doing absolutely nothing on a daily basis
living of money that i just kinda have
falling for my stupid roommate
feeling that fuckin sting walking in today to see her with her pretty boy
realizing that im not attractive
being an angry drunk
feeling like the mistake when girls sleep with me
not spinning my fire poi
really just not practicing anything at all
feeling hopeless
feeling worthless
not washing my clothes
not taking showers
living in filth
being quiet 90 percent of my day
getting obsessive and crazy and hateful

i am full of hate.
i guess i just never thought it would be possible.
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